Brain Spasms 11

The Food has Lost its Taste

2011-10-29T02:24:00.000-05:00

_______________

When God's the only One you've got left...

You'd have all you need.

The time to stop has come.

A fresh new start begins.

Thank you.

_________________

When It's Time

2011-10-27T15:09:00.010-05:00

Time is a funny concept

We think of time as

something long and full of events

taking a long time,

but true enough, there

are also times

when time

stands still and every

other thing that happened;

form one point to the next

is immaterial. Even

if the interval is

months or years,

I only have two points

and what happens in between

Amount to nothing compared

to the distal point

in the timeline

when I saw you again.

Funny 'coz time never really moved.

Of course there are many,

many wonderful things

that happened in between,

but in the final

distillation of events,

I only have these two points;

and time seemed to

freeze in between.

___________________________

__________________________

Applications: Learned Helplessness

2011-10-27T04:30:00.003-05:00

The learned helplessness theory of depression connects depressive phenomena to the experience of uncontrollable events. events out of one's control, or situations thought of as beyond ones capability to influence, the person is said to develop a passive behavior and would choose not to do anything anymore because "It's no use anyway".

This theory came from a study with dogs: dogs in a lab were divided into 2 groups, first, the control, which was just put in a cage, then a 2nd group that were caged too and would be intentionally subjected to pain by giving electric shocks, which the dog could end by pressing a lever, and a third group which are wired in parallel with a dog from the 2nd group, receiving shocks of identical intensity and duration, but his lever did not stop the shocks.To them, they were exposed to electric shock, regardless of what they are doing. They would just be treated with the same punishment. It was noticed that when they are placed in a new environment, the shock eventually did not affect the dogs anymore, there will still be the pain from the shock felt, and a physical reaction can still be gotten, but there was no more initiative to avoid the shock. In fact the just stayed put even if they knew they would be electrocuted, even if they could do something about it, they did not move.

Learned Helplessness. On of the theories why abused people don't do anything even if they bled physically and emotionally. In their minds is the idea, as learned from experience, that they are powerless against the abuser. "Anyway, even if I run away they will still find me" or "It doesn't matter, Nothing I do can change anything anyway, so why bother?"

These people succumb to their own helplessness and in effect, hopelessness. It causes people to not even try even when the solution is right in front of them. It's just sad because one might wonder what kind of total abuse could make another person give up his spirit. But this happens all too commonly. Not only in abusive relationships, but even in times when we have tried and tried to no avail. Sad and debilitating.

When we lose touch of our value, we lose the confidence to even try. This becomes a disability in that it limits what we can actually give and do with our lives, because of how we were treated or maltreated as per circumstance, in the past.

May God bless us and give us hope. Maybe it's time for a shift from helplessness to all-encompassing, ever-embracing love.

_________________________

Love always Hopes. Love Never Fails

I Scrolled Up and God It Hurts!

2011-10-26T01:28:00.009-05:00

Curious, I scrolled up

To see what I wrote

And I remembered everything

as I scrolled up.

As I am writing this,

I am scrolling up.

Reading each line

one at a time.

I remember when

I wrote all these. How I'd

delete and rewrite and

delete and rewrite

and smile and cry

and smile, i and pray

and love and smile

and hope and despair

and hope again

and trust and pray

then smile

then hope and love

and love and love.

Then type

then delete and

type, and end

with a song and a

prayer.

Hope.

I came back and you left me.

Well who am I kidding

you were never really there.

But still, as I scroll up,

I realized how purely

I love you.

____________________________

"I am happiest with you."

I Didn't Know

2011-10-25T07:29:00.007-05:00

How much do we really know about anybody? Can we tell what they are feeling, thinking, yearning, searching for after a few talks? a few engagements? How about a lot of talks? a lot of time spent together? Can we really have a clear idea of who a person is and derive a judgment about them even with a lifetime spent together? I don't think so.

What we can only be certain of, I believe, is what I feel, what I think, what I most desire at the moment.

In this concept of the present, I am sure and certain of what I want. Maybe this can be manifested in the smile I have on when I hear your voice, or the deep longing and feeling of missing you when you're out of reach, or the warmth I have in my heart when I know we're good. Or even when I submerge my brain in alcohol just to forget pain, anger, and feeling altogether. And so what if you knew, would you act the same?

If we make judgments before all things happen, and we do, doesn't that make any spontaneity just a waste of time? Can't I just trust the smiles and the warmth, and the peace I feel to say I am where I belong? The answer may either become I didn't know or I don't know. But the real answer lies in the truth experience brings. What I can only trust about you is what I always feel when I am with you. This is my only measure, apart from the infallible guidance of my Sovereign God.

The Sword of the Tongue

2011-10-25T06:11:00.011-05:00

Words are powerful aren't they? Especially if they come from the mouth of people important. Be it good or bad, sensitive or not, pleasant or spiteful, there is a lot of meaning in words, especially if they are true but even if they're not.

Of course no one can really read minds, all that can be done is predict and assume. The only way our intentions come across are through what we express. Words are nothing compared to action. I can tell anyone anything. But when words become hurtful swords, they have the capacity to slice through flesh and heart and bone. And there's nothing anyone can do about it because they are words- formed by people to be quantify the fluidity of the mind and emotion so that it can be understood by anyone; clear as day they would become.

What hurts most are sword words that are laced with poison. The poison of insensitivity and condescension. The mockery that a person can drench his or her words with can turn even the sturdiest of hearts into rubble, pulverizing each attempt to reason with words heard because the clarity of the tone and tempo upon which they are spoken betrays any hope for redemption. What has been said can never be unsaid.

Hurtful words, insensitive words, malicious words, or the absence of words when they matter- these can really hack through the heart; especially if they are spoken by someone you love. These words can cripple the heart.

___________________________________________

They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows.
Psalms 64:3

Missing You

2011-10-19T08:09:00.008-05:00

you're in my mind again.
I wish I could just rip
your image off my head
so I can hold you tight.
:D

Whispers and Echoes

2011-10-17T21:40:00.012-05:00

Thoughts race

As the heart stops.

The pounding that beat

Yesterday

Is replaced by sunshine.

Is this love at peace

With love

Or beyond

Love, a humming

Of the body with

Echoes from

The violence of past

Emotions

Now subdued by the twinkles

Of the dimples.

Your hair is still long

And i've cut mine.

I whisper words

To the wind again,

My thoughts are

In synchrony

With my heart,

Action happens when the mind

And the heart are one.

One without the other

Is one less the other half!

I hope your half or whole

Is the same as mine.

That way, we can still

Be like sunshine, glistening

And shining.

Warm. Embracing. Happy.

We could be happier.

We finally know how.

You have become sunshine.

"Our God is like this forever
and will always guide us." Ps. 48:14 (CEV)

SUMMER!

2010-03-21T07:45:00.002-05:00

I've never been happier that summer is here again! :D

2009 School Year Starter

2009-06-16T22:27:00.003-05:00

As we grow, it seems that the world is different. Each day we see things that weren’t there yesterday, and we experience differently than we did in the past. Still, the world is in fact the same. Yes there are new technologies that arise, but beyond these innovations lie the truth that the world is the same as it were 10, 20, even 100 years ago; it is we who have changed, how we view the world and what we are now able to perceive as we experience more and more of it.

As of now, I see that the farce of life is indeed everywhere. I see a macrocosmic satire brought about by the malice of man, the demon child’s heart in each of us, the urge to do what is good, fail at it, but still trying our very best at it, and the meaninglessness of it all apart from love. It’s silly that most of us do find ourselves in the same situation over and over again.

Maybe the problem doesn’t lie on others around us, but in us. Maybe we have not yet learned what we need to learn because of our own stubbornness. I have yet to learn the world. I have yet to understand the world. Not understanding is terrible, but not being understood is just as awful. I hope you understand and no one really does. Next time it will be me.

Babyfingers n' Babytoes!

2008-08-25T04:37:00.002-05:00

I have read somewhere once before from a Chopra book that "Love doesn't come from the heart but from the soul".

The heart is but a symbol of this, because the heart is the most volatile of organs. It is involuntary and it is the first organ that can reveal truth of feeling as expressed by the body. But in essence, the heart is nothing more than a yardstick of the extent of affectation in a particular situation, and in itself cannot produce love, nor give it. It is however, the representation of our humanity, and of the fickleness of human love. It is the soul that loves immortally.

It is lacking therefore to say I love you with all my heart because this is fleeting, much like the voracious drive of lust, the heart is slave to nothing more than the whims of our fickle nature at any given time. It cannot sustain us because it is exhaustible through disillusionment and boredom. To fully love someone should therefore come from a bottomless source where nothing can corrupt nor consume it.

I would start with the soul. The soul is immortal. It is with the soul that one can communicate with God, and receive God's love for us, replenishing each day with an overflowing source of love for us to give. For love to be immortalized and not be limited within the boundaries of human weakness, one must be able to tap into the immortality of his soul and draw love from this immortal fount which comes from God:

37Now on the final and most important day of the Feast,
Jesus stood, and He cried in a loud voice,

"If any man is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink!

38He who believes in Me [who cleaves to and trusts in and relies on Me]
as the Scripture has said, From his innermost being shall flow [continuously]
springs and rivers of living water." (John 7:37-38, AMP).
To be able to love fully, one must channel love from God as the immortal source through one's soul. This would release the lover from the transitoriness of human love alone. In here love shifts between immortal and human, depending on the circumstances in the relationship between the lover and the beloved.

Human love is momentary rapture- unable to sustain itself and is impatient and impulsive. On the other hand, Immortal love is the key to the stability of what is felt and patience. Patience draws power from hope. Hope is renewed through faith in God's providence. When this cycle is completed, love is perfected in it's immortality, hence it's eternity, because to be immortal means forever, and few are able to love this way. Just look at the brokenness all around and see what I mean.

Then there must also be harmony between the heart and the soul to be able to love fullest. The heart symbolizing our mortality and the soul representing our eternity, their union is paramount. Without this perfect mixture, love can never be completed.

To be able to do this however, one must possess a heart and soul that may be scarred but must not at all be broken. This is very important because a break in either can yield suffering on both the lover and the beloved, because when this happens, love is corrupted from the beginning and can never be made perfect. Before one loves then, he must make sure that he is freed from whatever brokenness of the past: he must be remade.

If a man should give his heart, he should ascertain that he links his soul to it. Then there maybe hope for the relationship still. This is what I believe.

When I gave my heart,it loves from my soul. This truly is everything I can give to anyone and I am in a mixture of emotions, all of which are in hopes for my beloved who deserves nothing less from me inasmuch as to love is the duty of every man:

"However,
each one of you also must love his wife
as he loves himself, and
the wife must respect
her husband." Ephesians 5:3 (NIV)

In here, the man's love is bound to his responsibility to give love, and the woman's love is manifested through her respect and acceptance.

This is what I believe in. This difference that equates complement. Love expressed differently, according to what has been, is, and will always be; this is divine standard. As such, it is beyond refute.
___________________________

*Read also previous blog posts entitled Valentine Equivocal Blasphemy and Lust AND Love

Me and The College of Medicine

2008-07-10T06:07:00.004-05:00

Who would've thought I'd take up Medicine after having graduated from Nursing? God works in mysteriously wonderful ways. After 4 months of crisis at last things are starting to get clearer for me.

I thank God for Ann. We are the only freshmen from La Salle-Bacolod. Represent! :D

For My Angel

2008-05-19T04:54:00.004-05:00

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Revelation

2008-05-03T21:02:00.006-05:00

The message of the Bible is love. It starts in the very beginning with God's Love and ends with God's love. Love is enough. Love is all we need.

What is love? It's being secure. It's being sure. It is being safe. It is giving. It is Passion and purity. It is trust and entrusting. It is charity. It is selfless. It is letting go. It is life.

Love is Christ Crucified.

HUMBLE SURRENDER: Exaltation

2008-02-29T22:31:00.021-06:00

I remembered this song sung last Sunday by an amazing young woman in Church. It left me with this re-dedication: I surrender all at the Cross of my Savior Jesus Christ and trust Him in everything. He will take care of us.

WHY

We rode into town the other day
Just me and my daddy
He said I'd finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man that my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said "Daddy why are they screaming
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is He dressed in that bright purple robe?
I'll bet that crown hurts Him more then He shows
Daddy please can't you do something?
He looks as though He's gonna cry
You said He was stronger then all of those guys
Daddy please tell me why?
Why does everyone want Him to die?"

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said "Father why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for My robe?
This crown of thorns hurts Me more than it shows
Father please can't You do something?
I know that You must hear My cries!
I thought I could handle a cross of this size-
Father remind Me why?
Why does everyone want Me to die?"

"When will I understand why?"

"My Precious Son,
I hear them screaming
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe You in robes of My own
Jesus, this hurts Me much more than You know
But this dark hour
I must do nothing
Though I've heard Your unbearable cries
The power in Your Blood
Destroys all of the lies
Soon You'll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below
See the child
Trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell You why:
She is why You must die"

_________________________

24But Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came.

25So the other disciples kept telling him, We have seen the Lord! But he said to them, Unless I see in His hands the marks made by the nails and put my finger into the nail prints, and put my hand into His side, I will never believe [it].

26Eight days later His disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. Jesus came, though they were behind closed doors, and stood among them and said, Peace to you!

27Then He said to Thomas, Reach out your finger here, and see My hands; and put out your hand and place [it] in My side. Do not be faithless and incredulous, but [stop your unbelief and] believe!

28Thomas answered Him, My Lord and my God!

29Jesus said to him, Because you have seen Me, Thomas, do you now believe (trust, have faith)? Blessed and happy and to be envied are those who have never seen Me and yet have believed and adhered to and trusted and relied on Me.

John 20:24-28 (AMP)

____________________________________

MY LORD AND MY GOD!

"Many plans are in a man's mind, but it is the Lord's purpose for him that will stand."
Proverbs 19:21 (AMP)

'Till Then

2008-02-24T16:33:00.008-06:00

IF I KEEP MY HEART OUT OF SIGHT

If I keep on talking now
I'll only start repeating myself
And all I can say is
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

If I slip and tip my hand
I'm certain to scare you away
Then what would I say
I'd be hurting I'm certain
I'd be uncool to let you know that you're the one
The fool who jumped the gun

'Cause I've been advised by other guys
You've left behind
Your goodbyes are somewhat unrefined
But if I play my role just right
Tonight could be my lucky night
And you could be mine

If I present it to you
With a flower in the moonlight
Shiny and new
Well, you couldn't say no tonight
If I keep my heart out of sight

If I play my role just right
Then Tonight could be my lucky night
And you could be mine

If I present it to you
With a flower in the moonlight
Oh, shiny and new
Well, you couldn't say no tonight
If I keep my heart out of sight

_______________________________________

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!;p

SEARCHING IN: The Story of Our Hearts

2008-02-23T20:33:00.029-06:00

When I was in third year high school, I was part of Search-In Circle 75 of the USLS IS. There is a story passed down through Search-In tradition that I would like to share.

I just can't state enough how true the lessons of this story are, and that indeed, being scarred is the best example of having lived, 'coz each scar has it's story, and each story has molded us into the better person that we currently are. Yes to Life! Yes to Christ! ;p

______________________________________

SCARRED PEOPLE ARE BEAUTIFUL

MAN SPEAKS:

I’ve seen a number of movies lately, Lord, like Romeo and Juliet. The love of young people, at least in those movies, is beautiful, so simple, so total, so uncomplicated.

They seem so natural, so free in their emotions, so clear in their feelings. I wish I could be like that, Lord, but it can’t be.Why is it so?

I’ve been hurt, Lord. I’ve trusted and been betrayed at times. I’ve loved and received nothing in return. I have tried hard to care and failed often. I have shared my secrets and heard them whispered to others. I have been warm and have received a cold shoulder. I have been through it, Lord. I’ve fallen on my face. I’ve banged my shins. I’ve been bruised. Look, Lord, I’m all covered with scars!

THE LORD SPEAKS:

Maybe you haven’t understood enough; Maybe you haven’t learned that human life is like that:

All Saints are scarred. Young love isn’t the highest form of human love. The greatest love comes from scarred people. I know that many people stop loving so that they won’t hurt again. But those who do start over again, who continue inspite of it all, who leave themselves open to the possibility of being hurt again – These people are able to love again in a deeper way, a more understanding way, a richer way.

MAN’S RESPONSE:

I think I know what you mean, Lord, I’ve met people like that, and knowing them gives me courage. The great people are those who continue to love with their scars. I like scarred people, Lord – They are beautiful..

_______________________________________

Just like Jesus, I think, we should continue to trust and hope in love despite our scars. Love is worth it because I believe that there is no other way to live than through love.

I would like to share a passage from the Bible I hang on to that I think is relevant to the message of this story:

16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:16-18 (NIV)

THIS IS EVERYTHING I HAVE:

Just love.
Never stop believing, never stop hoping.
Remain patient and perseverant.
Patience after all is the act of waiting,
and Perseverance is continuous determination.

There is a big difference when you love because of
need and when you need because of love.
The former is that of a cynical heart
fueled by selfishness and fear,
the latter is that of a hopeful heart
that loves through faith and
can only see the possibilities.

I can only see the possibilities. I hope you do too. :)

___________________________________

"The true test of character is not how
much we know how to do,
but how we behave when we don't know what to do."

Lust AND Love

2008-02-21T19:11:00.012-06:00

I'm just going to share my opinion on lust and love. These two has been a perennial topic of discussion throughout human history. Why? Because they are truths. They both exist, and they both are anchored on a surge of emotion.

I'll go straight to the point here: I think love and lust are inseparable and in relationships the two should always be present. It's just a matter of which comes first, because I believe that lust is the drive to take, love is the drive to give. Both are needed for a relationship to succeed.

I have compiled clips from different films so as to demonstrate my point to the fullest. These are my personal favorites too.

First, I'm going to show lust. Lusting after someone is dangerous, it consumes you with such intense carnal desire until you live only to satisfy that thirst for flesh. The first clip is between Phoebe and Anton (taken from Charmed):

Phoebe in her past life has been lusting over Anton with superfluous intensity it's almost obsessive. However this lust blinded her to Anton's ulterior motive of getting her powers which led to her demise. In here it can be seen that lust alone can cause one to be blind.

The next clip is taken from the movie Unfaithful:

In here we can see that lust is a great temptation to commit adulterous acts and can be a destructive force that wrecks relationships and ultimately causes suffering and remorse. Lust alone therefore, can bring about regret.

Now I am going to show you three clips which I think embodies the synergy between lust and love. The first clip is from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, which shows lust coming before love;

the second from Underworld Evolution which portrays love before lust;

and the third is from Meet Joe Black wherein lust and love grew simultaneously together:

In these clips one can see that indeed love and lust should go hand in hand. This is because relationships are basically give and take, and the same goes with the physical needs within that relationship. Otherwise there will be discontent in the relationship which may ultimately lead to frustration and misery.

To sum it up, I would like to compare the relationship of love and lust to the best analogy I could think of: Vampiric Sex. in my opinion, The Vampire Chronicles of Anne Rice has been a very good source of examples on the exciting world of lusting and loving. Particularly in third book of the series entitled The Queen of the Damned, Akasha and Lestat displayed a symbolism of love and lust in such a synergistic manner that it is both orgasmic yet refined. Here's the symbolism: I'll let you drink my blood while I drink yours- give and take.

I think it's beautiful.

*I will add that my favorite example of love and lust in synergy would be that of Phoebe and Cole. They were incredible. Stupid circumstance! ;p

**As a Christian, God compels me to state that sex is not good before marriage. Consummated Lust is candy for the flesh. Therefore constant vigilance is needed 'coz sometimes when the craving for this carnal candy is so great, we need to stop before it escalates to near irresistible levels. It is a sin after all, and sin has it's consequences. However, if you're married, well then, that's a different story. God Bless us all.

SONG: Joseph King of Dreams

2008-02-21T03:10:00.018-06:00

I just finished watching the story of Joseph the Dreamer last night. It touched my heart.

It reminded me that God is there for us, and that we should just trust Him to lead us. We need to be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9) and, everything will fall in to place according to His perfect plan for us in His perfect time.

God truly is with us if we only have faith.

You Know Better Than I

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here.
So I put up a fight
And told You how to help me
And just when I had given up
The truth is coming clear, for:

You know Better Than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know Better Than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing "I don't know"
Is part of getting through
I try to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in You, for:

You know Better Than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know Better Than I

I saw one cloud, and thought it was the sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If I let You reach me,
Will You teach me? For:

You know Better Than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers You supply
You know Better Than I

______________________________

Life is Still Farce

2008-02-20T16:27:00.020-06:00

The basic, visceral truth I have found after all my pondering and near-neurotic deep thinking with regard to life and what's it all about is this:

Nothing is certain, you can try to control parts of it just to find out that you have failed miserably on all of those because you cannot actually control anything to the degree you'd want to, and the only thing you can really do is have hope in good faith that somehow everything is going to turn out right in the end.

Life being a series of decisions, weighing the pros and cons are inevitable. I have just finished the most determining decision I have the displeasure of making not so long ago. Over-thinking of course was part of my daily list of self-defeating behaviors, as usual, as well as the Why me? dynamic of mental game-play, which I discovered is really nothing short of a cowardice regression and ultimately, is a counter-productive attempt to alleviate stress and and maintain mental homeostasis: Hans Selye's flight.

Now is the time to fight. Let me share a very familiar literature by Robert Frost that I remembered that I think is relevant when it comes to making possibly the most crucial decisions in life, "The Road Not Taken":

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

This poem is all about taking risks. I have realized that routine truly is bullshit, it dulls your brain and make you suffer your own ignorance and inadequacies.

I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

or (my version)

I took the risk and in faith, hoped for the best,
And that has made my life worth living.

You see according to Stephen Covey, Most breakthroughs in life are actually "break-withs." Simply put, milestones in life that build character are found more in the breaking of routine and the exploration of the possibilities in something many dread, the breaking of stability. Routine yields stability, stability yields stagnation, and stagnation is boring and is really not good for anyone. Breaking this cycle then is embracing life-transforming change and character building through taking risks for something worth it. This is what I chose myself.

The only thing to consider then is what makes something worth the risk? I believe that this is an easy question to answer. Just ask yourself these two questions:

1. Will it make you happy?
2. Will it make you a better person?

When you answered yes to these two, I think what you have is worth any risks 'coz when you look at life's bigger picture, what really does matter in the end are all intangible: Happiness, Character, Faith, Hope, Love, and Contentment. Their common denominator is that these would give you the most naked smile your face has ever shown, and I firmly believe that you must never give up on the things that make you smile.

It's overwhelming how God pieces one's life together. Now, I only need to trust God that He has a plan for me and that it is good, as Psalm 23 (AMP) says:

1THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me],
I shall not lack.
2He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures;
He leads me beside the still and restful waters.
3He refreshes and restores my life (my self); He leads me in the paths of righteousness [uprightness and right standing with Him--not for my earning it, but] for His name's sake.
4Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me.
5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my [brimming] cup runs over.
6Surely or only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life,
and through the length of my days the house of the Lord
[and His presence] shall be my dwelling place.

I took the risk, and I can't stop smiling. ;p

__________________________________________

Empty Post

2008-02-18T09:35:00.012-06:00

"I need another hit".
hehe ;p

My Favorite Poet's Poetry

2008-02-17T04:10:00.017-06:00

She Walks in Beauty
Lord Byron, 1814

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

_______________________________________________________________

When We Two are Parted

Lord Byron, 1808

When we two parted

In silence and tears,

Half broken-hearted,

To sever for years,

Pale grew thy cheek and cold,

Colder thy kiss;

Truly that hour foretold

Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning

Sank chill on my brow

It felt like the warning

Of what I feel now.

Thy vows are all broken,

And light is thy fame:

I hear thy name spoken,

And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear'

A shudder comes o'er me

Why wert thou so dear?

They know not I knew thee,

Who knew thee too well:

Long, long shall I rue thee

Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met

In silence I grieve

That thy heart could forget,

Thy spirit deceive.

If I should meet thee

After long years,

How should I greet thee?

With silence and tears.
When we two are parted.

Valentine Dedication

2008-02-14T03:22:00.019-06:00

Pride and Prejudice has been my favorite movie and it still is. It is because this film captured me with the realization that truly these two things, pride and prejudice are the very things that blinds us to what truth there is. It is truly so human of us to make judgments and close our minds and our hearts.

I too have been proud and prejudiced, and I realized that they're poison that turns you cold, indifferent, and superficial. This much I have come to know, and if ever I have any regrets, they would be because of these. And I also realized that when you let go of your pride and clear your head of your prejudice, it is also when you can completely see the beauty in a person, and how foolishly ignorant you are. I was so foolishly ignorant.

This film shows this, and it also shows that it is never too late to rectify our mistakes and take a chance at hoping, having faith, and finally experiencing the naked fullness of love which is free of the blinding and ultimately, crippling effects of pride and prejudice.

This is a story of self-effacing hope in love. Through this film I learned that it is better to be true to ourselves and just love than to live safe in our little corner of security because life is too short to live it without trying your best at the very thing we ever truly need.

No regrets.

This is my Valentine dedication. Happy Valentines! :)

ANNIVERSARY: Inside Each Our Hearts

2008-02-13T00:16:00.008-06:00

It's February 13, 2008. It's amazing how fast one year passes by.

At this year's lowest point, I dreamt a dream. I dreamt of yearning, of pleading. It happened after 1 week of stagnation, of the excruciating silence that I have been exposed to so many times. I asked God for a vision, for His wisdom and He answered. He gave me this to hang on to:

I dreamt of a space of nothingness, utter darkness engulfed everything, it was pitch-black, not a sound, an empty numbing space for the senses. Then out of this hellish place I heard a pulsating heartbeat. Lub-dub, lub-dub. The sound was faint. I never realized it was even there if it weren't for this otherwise soundless vacuum i found myself in. I strained my ears to her the beat. It was ascending, louder and louder it grew until I saw a light flickering. amazing how such a small amount of light can force itself to be seen in a place of total darkness, I headed for it. Next thing I knew, I was looking at a heart. Not a cartoon heart, nope, it was a human heart, along with the arteries, veins, and ruby flesh. I looked at it for a while, it was beating still. Though detached from the body it was alive, ever so slowly it beat. I was caught in a trance.

As I look back it was eerie, but that never crossed my mind then. I was fascinated by this beating organ, surreal as it was. I was drawn with a creeping sense of familiarity with it. Wham! I knew why I was so attached to this beating thing right before me. It is because I realized that this was my own heart. I looked down at my chest, intact skin I thought. But when I tried to feel the part where my heart is supposed to be at, I didn't feel anything. No pulse, no drum-like rhythmic beating, nothing. I was walking heartless, literally. And so I continued looking at my heart in front of me.

After some measure of time, I saw it slowly rip apart. It was like there was an invisible scalpel inching its way down. I looked closely as My heart began to tear. There was something moving inside it, five pointy protrusions of some sort, It was like my heart was giving birth. What I saw next struck in me an excited mixture of fear and great joy. You know what I saw? Something came out of it, It was a hand. A hand reaching for me, almost pleading. I cried. I woke up with tears in my eyes that night. What a bizarre dream. Never had I dreamt anything like this.

This is what I realized after that dream. It was a breakthrough of human experience for me. I realized that we are indeed alone and that in each of our hearts, there is a hand that longs for the one thing that can make this existential aloneness bearable. A hand that reaches out for that perfect someone that can catalyze a divine unity in us. A hand that seeks its other half. Though we are complete in and of ourselves, there is still this yearning in each our hearts, I believe. That's why we keep on searching, why we keep on hoping that we may, in our lifetime, experience the fulfillment of our happiness. Bottom line is, inside each of our hearts is a hand that seeks to love not just anyone, but the one. I still believe this up to today. I won't give up.

My heart's hand seeks only her. She is my perfect someone. Yup, just perfect.

______________________________________________________

These are dedicated to my 2 year-old cousin Sophia, who has touched my heart so many times just by being her charming self: a silly little girl just being what she is, a kid. I learned a lot from her. She too is an inspiration. Here are five of her favorite songs:

POEM: To the One I Love

2008-02-10T22:45:00.006-06:00

Have you ever thought on why I love as I do?
Have you even wondered why it has to be you?
Do you really know what you've always meant to me?
Aside from the things which you just wanted to see?

You see, prejudice gets the best of people,
It closes your will tight: so hard yet so brittle.
Like a stained plane of fragile glass you'd become,
Non-yielding, unrelenting; easily undone.

If you could only see beyond the lies we make,
It'd be this: "I'll take care of you,won't let you break."
I will do this of course for I promised to God and man:
That I'll love and care for you the best I can.

But you didn't see this, or was it 'coz you won't?
What I see is the love I offer, but you don't.
Or do you? Please let light through this opacity:
Through your glassy shield come see my sincerity.

You're the inspiration I had through the darkness.
You are the God-sent vessel of my happiness!
Because this, what you are to me, is worth my all,
Just by being near you, so much deeper I'd fall.

You with me and me with you is enough for me.
Because it is you who makes me truly happy.
I'm sure to endure, as I've always done so far,
You just don't know how precious to me you are.

Valentine Equivocal Blasphemy

2008-02-09T04:01:00.002-06:00

This Valentine season, many people are celebrating it alone, dateless, and/or with great cynicism. Hence the phrase: Love Sucks.

I don't believe in this. Not one bit do I even consider it. Here's why:

"If God is love,

And love sucks"

Ergo, God *beep*

Yup twisted logic. I also am renouncing as of today my past belief that love is for the sick and twisted and also that it is blind because of the same flow of thought.

After much pondering, I have come to a conclusion that these logical arguements aren't equivocal at all because to agree with its fallacy is ludicrous. Why? In the first place, love doesn't suck (quite the opposite actually), is not blind, nor is it for the sick and twisted. If you believe in any one of those attributes supposedly given to love,then maybe you have yet to experience what love really is. Here's one snippet of what I conceive true love to really be. This is the best definition I have for it so far. It is an excerpt from the Bible taken from 1 Corinthians 13:3-8 (AMP):

4Love endures long and is patient and kind;

love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy,

is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
5It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride);

it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly.

Love does not insist on its own rights or its own way,

for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful;

it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
6It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness,

but rejoices when right and truth prevail.
7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes,

is ever ready to believe the best of every person,

its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances,

and it endures everything [without weakening].
8Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].

People argue that these lines are on Agape a.k.a. Christian love and is not to be confused with love between couples. I disagree, because given that Jesus is our model of Agape love, here's what the Bible says about the relationship between husband and wife, anyway, I think if you're ready to love, you're mature enough to get married (once the finances are in order that is, but hey, God provides!):

25Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church

and gave Himself up for her,
26So that He might sanctify her,

having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word,
27That He might present the church to Himself

in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle

or any such things [that she might be holy and faultless].
28Even so husbands should love their wives

as [being in a sense] their own bodies.

He who loves his own wife loves himself.

Ephesians 5:25-28 (AMP)

Agape and erotic love is the same as to what it is: still love. In one sentence, truly loving someone is a sacrifice (Jesus being the example). Sacrifice is not just acts of kindness, but also, sacrifice is risking emotional pain. We are hurt most by people that matter to us. Those whom we love matters, so there is always this risk in loving. The purpose of love is the perfecting of the one loved. According to verses 26-27, to love your wife sacrificially is to let her bloom as God planned.

Pope Benedict in his recent Encyclical Deus Caritas Est, Latin for God is love, has this to say on the nature of love, specifically, the relationship of Agape and erotic love:

"Eros and agape—ascending love and descending love—can never be completely separated. The more the two, in their different aspects, find a proper unity in the one reality of love, the more the true nature of love in general is realized. Even if eros is at first mainly covetous and ascending, a fascination for the great promise of happiness, in drawing near to the other, it is less and less concerned with itself, increasingly seeks the happiness of the other, is concerned more and more with the beloved, bestows itself and wants to “be there for” the other. The element of agape thus enters into this love, for otherwise eros is impoverished and even loses its own nature. On the other hand, man cannot live by oblative, descending love alone. He cannot always give, he must also receive. Anyone who wishes to give love must also receive love as a gift. Certainly, as the Lord tells us, one can become a source from which rivers of living water flow (cf. Jn 7:37-38). Yet to become such a source, one must constantly drink anew from the original source, which is Jesus Christ, from whose pierced heart flows the love of God (cf. Jn 19:34)."

This is also what I believe. The Pope did a wonderful job of explaining it, I think. It starts with the erotic, and evolves to love's highest form which is Agape.

In any relationship, I believe that love is not to be judged nor defined by expectations. It is freely given and happens by choice through commitment. It is just a matter of how well we handle the consequences of loving someone that our viewpoint on love be marred by cynicism and bittrness or be a source of joy and fulfillment. That's where faith and hope comes in. Ultimately, Just love. After all, as the saying goes:

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."-Thoreau

POEM: Chasing Wind

2008-02-07T09:58:00.001-06:00

Co-inspired by Meryl

The breeze has begun its chilly blow,
I can sense the tingle up my spine,
Though my broken face i did not show,
My mind was set again out of line.

These thoughts through the breeze: The Wind I chased;
I chased and I chased, my time is spent.
But the wind has left my soul amazed-
With why running after wind I went?

No reason behind this chase I've got,
I just chose to go at it and hope:
that in my sight I'd loose it not-
I've fallen down this slippery slope.

For months and months, a year I ran!
Still chasing, still hoping, still nothing.
I am tired, I'm pained! So great the span-
My mind has died, my heart is screaming:

"Why oh wind must from me you would run?
Not stopping for even one moment?
Are you worth this chase I have begun?
Are you worth this soul-crushing torment?!"

"Yes. I'm worth all this and more.", she said.
In my core I knew.
I am chasing.

It's The Month Of LOVE!!!

2008-02-07T04:34:00.001-06:00

I just realized that it's February! haha Well I figured that inasmuch as the Valentine spirit is in the air, I might as well join the hype! I'll just post here my opinion about love. This has been distilled many, many times and this is what I figured out so far:

When you are in love, you are in love.
When you're not in love, you're not in love.
You can never lie to yourself.
Therefore, when you love someone,
feel it and feel it until one of two things happen:
1. You fall out of it (most likely to 'happen', but actually never does), or;
2. You die (Shakespearean tragedy, WTF???).

Pray.

Hope you like it. Just love.

The Gestalt Prayer Dilemma

2008-02-07T04:06:00.001-06:00

GESTALT PRAYER
"I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped. "
(Fritz Perls, 1969)

Life is a social experience. We meet people each day, and we build relationships in each encounter. As to the value of the relationship that took place, I'm not so certain, but the fact that still remains that we expand our social networks.

This 'prayer' is weird. It's not really what you would expect a prayer to be. It's not dedicated to God, it doesn't put any value to faith, nor does it worship or exalt any form of Diety known to man. Unlike a prayer, I think of it as more of a principle. And in fact it is such, the core belief of Gestalt psychology, a one of the many forms of psychotherapuetic approaches used nowadays founded by Fritz Perls.

As I read more about this concept I gained a lot of insights as to what relationships truly are: independent.

Though the thought of building relationships is mainly grounded on the belief of extending oneself, it is also important to consider that in the process of extending, one doesn't lose a piece of himself but instead, connects and builds a bond. It doesn't matter what kind of bond was built, be it of love or hate, goodwill or malice, these things are irrelevant. As long as its only the bond that is built during these encounters and not a usurption of one's self by another, then it is still okay. It is when one extends a piece of himself wherein relationship problems start. Why? because we are individually different from each other.

It is a common saying that "No man is an island." This is in fact a principle I disagree with after much thought. I've come to believe that we are in fact islands. Separate, distinct, and unique from all other islands. When we make contact with other people and form a bond, it's a merging of two or more islands, like a bridging. When the bond a.k.a. the bridge is made, the rift of indifference is obliterated and what is formed in its place is a relationship between two or more people.

What's the difference? A lot. This way, we still are our separate selves, free from the corruption of other selves. Let's compare ourselves to a country that has complete sovereignty over its territory- though a country may make alliances or trade with other countries , this doesn't mean that those countries that were made to be allies have any right to interfere with the internal affairs of the same country. Yes, they can create pressure, but never decide for the country itself. This is the analogy of our separateness, of our individuality, of the independence that every party in each relationship in existence should be able to possess. Otherwise, the relationship becomes a form of neurotic dependence and undoubtedly, self defeating and parasitic in the end.

M. Scott Peck explains this much with regard to love relationships that I think is similar in thought with the Gestalt Prayer: " Although the act of nurturing another's spiritual growth has the effect of nurturing one's own, a major characteristic of genuine love is that the distinction between oneself and the other is always maintained and preserved".

Read the prayer again. It is a principle of the maintenance of one's identity and of the realization that we are not to meddle with other people as to how they decide to live their lives. It is a concrete principle emphasizing individual freedom from each other. It is a principle of owning up to yourself and taking responsibility for your own actions and decisions.

The wonderful part here is that when two people somehow merged and formed a relationship, it is beautiful- almost close to destiny. However if not, it can't be helped. There is no use to brood over something that can almost never happen like being a superstar's bestfriend or being the advisor of the US president. If it's meant to be it's meant to be, if not, then move on.

However, I have only one question about this whole thing that I can not seem to find the answer to:

What happens if yes, two people find each other, and it's beautiful or could be beautiful, but also, because of some stupid circumstance, it couldn't be helped. What then?

I think this scenario would beat any relationship tragedy there is, or rather, is the cause of all the relationship tragedy there is. Oh no! My only comment on this is: don't let this happen at all cost. haha

Ode to Cameron Duncan

2008-02-06T01:35:00.001-06:00

Cameron Duncan 1986-2003, was a writer and director from New Zealand..

Duncan completed only two short films, DFK6498 and Strike Zone, a movie involving his love for Softball, as well as a few commercials and brief clips, before dying of Osteosarcoma, at age 17. He showed remarkable talent for one so young, even dictating how his own funeral should be held at the end of Strike Zone. (copy-pasted from Wikipedia)

"When your time is up, your time is up. And you pray to God that you've done something worthwhile with your life. I prayed..." Cameron Duncan

About 'About Schmidt'

2008-02-05T03:13:00.002-06:00

"I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me? . . . Relatively soon, I will die. Maybe in 20 years, maybe tomorrow, it doesn't matter. Once I am dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it will be as though I never existed. What difference has my life made to anyone. None that I can think of. None at all." -Jack Nicholson as Warren Schmidt, 'About Schmidt', 2002

"Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." -James 4:14 NASB

I remember watching this movie the first time it was released. I remember the simplicity of the plot, its 'realness', and the simple truths it conveys on how life is. It's a coming-of-age flick but for the elderly. What will you be thinking of at the sunset of your life? What will your struggles be? These are the questions that linger in my mind until today, thanks to this film.

Life is what you make it, they say. You are only given one chance at life, there are no rewinds. Make the most of it and live it to the fullest. What does this all mean? Of course we should, everyone wants a life well lived. I ask you however, How can we reach that point wherein we can look back and say "Yes, I lived a full life, I can die with a smile on my face?" Is it when you have accomplished all your dreams and plans? Is it when you have gained some measure of success like family, career, friends?

You see, this film alone disproves that. According to Schmidt, it's when you have left a legacy. Life gains meaning if you somehow become immortalized by means of something you did. So I wonder, charity? or maybe if I wrote a bestseller? found the cure for AIDS? of that I'm not so sure.

Maybe it's just different for everyone. I think that this query of how to live a life well lived is a deeply personal contract with yourself. The pastor last Sunday said: "Self-satisfaction depends on the standard we use on ourselves." This statement implies that satisfaction is a choice? Much like everything is, I guess.

The ultimate goal of everyone is happiness. Is happiness the answer? I think it is. But the thing is, what can make you truly happy?

I have been praying for the answer to this question as to my personal life, and God answers in riddles and clues. Big clues:

I know what can make me happy! I know what I want.

But then, the answer He causes me to see is something I could never do or choose to do alone. He gives me a glimpse and nothing more. At least for now. And so it all boils back to waiting on Him and being still. In the core of me, I believe that God has the answer, as He is the One who blesses and enriches our lives. As the psalmist says, "My cup overflows".

I don't have my concrete answer now but I know there is one. While waiting for God to unveil the sunrise of my life, I would just spend the time in between in seeking Him and in strengthening my relationship with Him. That way, it would be time well spent nonetheless: spending time with my Savior in faith and worship through prayer and praise. Maybe then, when His plan for me has come to pass, at my life's sunset, I can look back and say, "Yes I lived a full life, and I have no regrets."

I hope I'll find what I'm looking for soon enough, but not too soon. Or is it not soon enough? Patience. :)

HUMBLE SURRENDER: Be Still and Know That I Am God

2008-02-04T06:54:00.001-06:00

“Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth."
(Psalm 46:10)

The command to “be still” comes from the Hiphil stem of the verb rapha (meaning to be weak, to let go, to release), which might better be translated as, “cause yourselves to let go” or “let yourselves become weak”.

I have come across this verse a long time ago. Before, I'd say okay, I understand this. It's easy! Let go and Let God! Yup, I was right about second half of what I said: Let go and Let God. But about it being easy? I was gravely mistaken.

When we were born, we have been gifted with a lot of potentials, be it talent, money, status, wit, intelligence, physique; in all dimensions we may and can be gifted. These gifts grow with us as we mature, and with this growth, two qualities usually emerge: arrogance and pride.

As this growth continues, so does these qualities until somehow, these reach a point wherein they have become enmeshed as an integral part of our persona, and this leads us to become full of ourselves, confident of our skills, conceited, and 'independent'. We gain beliefs in life filled with ideas of self-sufficiency and trusting ourselves to be the master of our lives. We become our own god. We reach a point in which we become like Satan:

12 How you have fallen from heaven,
O morning star, son of the dawn!
You have been cast down to the earth,
you who once laid low the nations!

13 You said in your heart,
"I will ascend to heaven;
I will raise my throne
above the stars of God;
I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly,
on the utmost heights of the sacred mountain.

14 I will ascend above the tops of the clouds;
I will make myself like the Most High."

Isaiah 14:12-14

The Original Sin of pride is still the number one pitfall of our lives. The first temptation is still the most frequently used temptation of the Devil: you will be like God. Of course this definitely makes sense doesn't it? If we can be our own god, what do we need God for? I believed this once before too. Though i did not verbally admit it, I felt it in my gut: I am my own master. My own master, this line reminds me of a popular poem entitled Invictus. I used to believe what the poem Invictus says,

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

But then God broke me. He broke me until I cried out to Him. He broke me and made me aware of what I really am: weak, feeble, ineffectual. He broke me and made me realize that indeed he is God. And when I sought for Him enough, I found Him. He remakes me for His purpose and now I realize that It is okay to be weak for God said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). Only when I humble myself and admit my weakness do I experience the immense power of God at work in my life. I begin to appreciate everything that he has blessed me with. I learned what it meant to be truly grateful.

Looking back, I can now say that "Letting Go and Letting God" is easier said than done because the lure of self-glorification is so seductive. But, then, I learned that there is no other way than Jesus. "Be still and know that I am God" is a call to be humble. It is a call to surrender and live a grace-driven existence. This is what I believe: We give up trusting in ourselves and our own strength and start yielding to God who strengthens and lifts us up, so we can wholly experience the glory of God’s all-sufficiency.

Complete Surrender to His Will is obedience and perfect humility.

Now I entrust to God my everything and I've never felt happier or more at peace. I lay at the Cross of my Savior all of my triumphs and defeats, my plans. Everything that I am I offer to Him, because He takes care of me, and He is good all the time.

This is the secret of my smile: God's Love.

During times of troubles and great hurt, I just remember to be still, trust God, and have faith that He is with me and on my side. As what Exodus 14:14 says:

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

QUOTATION: On Neil Gaiman

2008-01-31T21:21:00.001-06:00

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” -Neil Gaiman

I agree to what he says except the last sentence. In my case, I'm in love with love, I'm addicted to it.

Love is a matter of acceptance and surrender. The key to this is trust because to love is to entrust yourself to another. Love after all is as much a choice as it is a feeling. Just be careful when choosing to love and never let cynicism corrupt the integrity of how and whom you choose to give that love.

Most importantly, keep faith, for without it, there couldn't be any sense of hope for us.

SONG: Save the Best for Last

2008-01-31T19:33:00.001-06:00

I can't get this song off my head! haha! Here it goes:

Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Somehow it`s all a big surprise

There was a time when all I did was wish
You`d tell me this was love
It`s not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it`s enough

And now we`re standing face to face
Isn`t this world a crazy place
Just when I thought a chance had passed
You go and save the best for last

How could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes of everything you`re looking for
It`s the one thing you can`t see

But now we`re standing face to face
Isn`t this world a crazy place
Just when I thought a chance had passed
You go and save the best for last

Sometimes of everything you`re looking for
It`s the one thing you can`t see
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes `round the moon
Just when I thought a chance had passed
You went and save the best for last
Saved the best for last. . .

ANECDOTE: Learning from Chinese Chess

2008-01-31T05:10:00.001-06:00

This happened 3 weeks ago when we went from our humble town of Gainesville to Jacksonville, "the big city", for our monthly grocery shopping at Costco and getting haircuts and, basically enjoying a more urbanized city than where we live. During these trips, we'd usually spend the night there in Jax. We'd stay at my Mom's cousin's house, a Filipino Chinese home which is all too familiar to me.

Cast:

Tita Mel -my aunt whom I stay with
Tito Chu -Tita Mel's Husband
Tita Tin -my aunt in Jacksonville
Tito Cito -Tita Tin's Husband
Angelo -Tito Cito and Tita Tin's son

"Wee, we're gonna leave early tomorrow for Jacksonville, at 'round 8am. Magdala ka ng damit kasi baka mag-oovernight tayo do'n" said Tito Chu hurriedly while ironing his clothes.

"Where are we staying there Tito, if ever", I asked immediately, "at Tita Tin's?"

"Yes, you're Tito Cito just came back from Bacolod and he wanted us to get together", he answered, still doing his ironing with great care, almost with obsessive-compulsive precision.

It was Friday evening when I knew we were about to leave for Jacksonville for the weekend. I was done packing almost immediately after I was told about this trip. As usual, I just shoved everything into my bag: 2 shirts, a pair of underwear and sleeping shorts, mouthwash and perfume. Anyway, Tita Mel will bring her own toiletries so if I ever missed anything, I can just ask her for it (hehe).

I didn't sleep early that night. Still ,I managed to wake up earlier than everyone in the house did. Was I that excited?

Anyway, as I expected, we left three hours behind schedule. My cousins, Samantha, Sophia, and Marc, watched Shrek 3 on the van's dvd player throughout the whole two hour trip, while I, on the other hand, slept.

We arrived in Jacksonville at around 1 in the afternoon.We had lunch at a Filipino restaurant, well, it's more like a karinderya with videoke and beer bottles- a truly Filipino pub in the middle of suburban Jacksonville. The restaurant was beside the Oriental Store where we went into to buy the ever popular Mang Tomas and Maggi Savor (I bought Boy Bawang and Munchers for myself, we were running out of these back home!).

After having bought our "Filipino" groceries, Tito Chu, Marc, and I had our hair cut. This being my first haircut in the US, I was nervous and excited at the same time. Anyway, I thought to myself, if i don't like it, I could always shave my head! It's not like I haven't been bald before. Yes, I sported a bald hairdo half of my high school life and most of my college days. After Tim, my American barber, finished chopping off inches from my hair, I took a good look at the result in the mirror in front of me for about 3 mins and said to myself, daw gwapo man japon ah (hahaha!). It was great hair maneuvering I thought to myself, It just needs a little getting used to. Tim did a great job! Thanks Tim!

After all that was over and done with, at around 3pm we headed for Costco and bought the usual dry, perishable goods we needed for the month. We spent about 20mins putting all the food we bought from Costco in the SUV 'coz, being a wholesaler store, all items were sold in bulk and we bought a lot of food.

We finished everything at around 5pm and Tito Chu said that It's kinda late and that we might as well spend the night at Tito Cito and Tita Tin's House. Tita Mel called up Tito Cito and told him that we were staying over and off we went to their house.

Their house was a smaller and cozier house than our house back in Gainesville. It was located in a very suburban neighborhood. The narrow roofed hallway of about 10 meters before reaching the door of their house was well lit, signaling expected company. When we reached the door, we rang the doorbell and waited.

Almost instantaneously, Tito Cito opened the door and welcomed us in. I only got to meet him once before in the Philippines but it was a long time ago. This was the first time I got a good look at him. He's a stockily built Filipino-Chinese man with balding hair and a very warm expression painted on his face. While wearing his eyeglasses and holding a newspaper, he motioned for us to come in saying, Kamusta kmo? With big smiles we entered their home, grateful indeed that we can get to relax after a whole day of travel and chores. Tito Chu answered Tito Cito saying that we were good and doing great-a perfectly cliche answer to a perfectly cliche question.

The house was livelier than the last time we went there a month ago. Angelo was playing PSP on the couch in the receiving area left of the door, while his younger brother Chan was anxiously waiting for his turn at playing. I went to sit with the two boys and asked how they were. Angelo, my cousin whom I had no problem befriending the last time, smiled and said they were doing great. He was elected as part of the student council at school (he's in sixth grade), and was so happy that he was, given that he only came here in the US two years ago. I guess the reason why we became friends easily is because he's the only non-adult guy I've seen these past few months that can actually understand and speak fluent Hiligaynon.

"Pupunta pa sana kami sa Gainsville bukas para bumisita sa inyo kaya lang naunahan nyo kaming tawagan na bibisita kayo ng Jacksonville so it was perfect timing!", said Tito Cito while facing Tito Chu and Tita Mel who were helping themselves with the mango tart from Bong Bong's that were placed on a bowl tray on the living room table.

"Kamusta ang biyahe mo Cit", asked Tita Mel while downing her second helping of the Negrense delicacy.

"Oki man lang, kaya lang nakakapagod kasi marami akong dala-dala na mga boxes pangpasalubong", replied Tito Cit, straining himself to speak in Tagalog so as not to be rude to Tito Chu. Tito Chu is from Tondo, Manila. He's a pediatrician like Tita Mel. They only got to know each other here in the States and got married one month after they first met, but that's another story.

Then Tita Mel went to the bathroom soon afterward to freshen up, leaving the two Filipino-Chinese Men to themselves. These guys have become very good friends I thought to myself, as they seem to understand each other pretty well. Anyway, There I was, sitting on the couch next to my cousins, Angelo still playing with the PSP while his brother, still watching with a more agitated expression on his face than moments ago. My other cousins, Samantha and Sophia were running around the living room through the kitchen and back to the receiving area, as they always do even back home. Marc, seeing the keyboard in the corner of the living room, started playing his Mozart Sonata recital piece. Marc is the piano prodigy in the family, and when he plays, he its like he has a world of his own. That's he's secret to playing the piano I guess, he pours out his feelings on the keys when he plays.

Back to the Chinese guys. They now sat by the dining table in front of the living room. I was eavesdropping what they were talking about, though they didn't seem to mind. They talked about random things but mostly revolving on business matters and investments. Whew! Money, money, money talks. Everyday that's what I get to listen to at there house. It's all business talk come dinner time back at Gainesville.

Anyway as I listened, I can sense a slight difficulty on the part of Tito Cito in terms of communicating his thoughts in Tagalog. He shifted to Taglish (haha). I smirked while averting my eyes from them. It was funny because I understood the awkwardness of it oh so well.

A few more minutes passed, and the next thing I heard, Tito Cito started talking in Chinese! Tito Chu adjusted to the flow of their talk and started answering back in Chinese. Still business talk I presumed, basing from the serious, deliberate yet seemingly troubled expression on their faces which was a common sight for me.

They continued talking in Chinese. I, on the other hand, gave my eavesdropping up the first moment I heard Fukien being spoken. Chinese men somehow at some point end up talking in Chinese, I thought, especially when it comes to business. I ate a mango tart.

Tita Mel went back from the bathroom a short while after that. She seemed refreshed for some reason I don't know. She sat with her daughters on the floor (Samantha and Sophia were playing with the magazines placed under the sofa table), leaving the guys to their conversation.

Not long after that, the two men finished up their little chit chat and walked over to the living room. Tita Mel asked, "Magchichess ba kayo?", face pointing to the chess board with green and white squares beside the magazines, now put back to their proper place by none other than myself.

"Mamaya na lang siguro, after magdinner. Magdidinner pa ba tayo sa labas, Sweetheart?" asked Tito Chu now picking Samantha up from the floor. "Ewan ko, ikaw?".

It was 5:30. They ended up deciding to just get takeout and eat at the house. That way, it'll be more comfortable for everyone. And besides, Tita Tin hasn't come home from work yet. She works as an OR nurse in the local hospital. She'll be home before 6pm.

While fixing his eyes on the chess board, "Marunong ka ba mag-Chinese chess Cit?, Tito Chu asked. Suddenly, there was a great positive glow on Tito Cito's face and with great enthusiasm said, "Oo ah! Kaya lang wala kami dito ng set." "Alam ko kung saan mi mapapagbilhan ng Chinese chess dito Cit", exclaimed Tito Chu. "Talaga? Saan? eh di bibili tayo ngayon na.", Tito Cito answered.

Their expression can very much is likened to a 4 year old boy going to Disneyworld for the first time. The way their faces lit up in excitement was almost like childlike exhilaration I rarely saw in men of middle adulthood. It was weirdly amusing to see these guys so happy over a game I didn't even know the mechanics of.

After a few minutes of small talk, "Wee, gusto mong sumama bibili kmi ni tito Cito mo ng ulam tsaka ng chinese chess?", asked Tito Chu. I stared through the air between us and looked toward the direction of his eyes when he asked this. I didn't look directly though, it was more like as if I were in a daze. I was thinking.

"Oo we maupod ka? lakat ta.", added Tito Cito seconds after Tito Chu asked the first question. I smirked again. I thought that it would be interesting to go with them. This is the first time I saw both of them so giddy, and I was curious. But then again I thought that I may just get in the way of their catching up and said, "Uhh, sige lng gro 'to, Pabilin lang ko di ah. Hehe, patugon na lang ko shrimp balls pwede?".

They said okay of course. Looking back, this is one of the minor "what if" moments I have. I should have gone, I wanted to, but I didn't. But that's okay, there will be other times, I say to myself to make me think about it less.

They left soon enough. Only Tita Mel us cousins were left behind. We did lots of things while we waited for the food and Tita Tin to arrive. I played with Angelo and Marc who headed for the garage to play foosball and airhockey, while Tita Mel stayed inside with the girls. Chan stayed in his room, now hogging the PSP which he got to play with at last!

Tita Tin came home after the first set of foosball was settled. She was smiling, as always. I like her smile, it makes her face glow. She was still in her scrubs when she came through the garage door. I kissed her cheek, as is expected of a well-mannered nephew in our family, and asked her how her day was. She said it was tiring, and that she came only because the shift nurse in the OR phoned in sick. Saturdays and Sundays were her days off from work.

After an hour or so of playing we got bored and headed back in to the living room. Angelo was so happy that he kicked Marc's ass in both foosball and airhockey. Marc retaliated though when we got inside. He headed for the piano and started playing the piano extremely well, using the music sheet Angelo was still learning. Now, Marc hasn't played this piece ever in his entire life, and this wasn't a very easy piece like Chopsticks that even I know how to do! Marc the Musical Prodigy- show off! We didn't mind him though. So much for his petty attempt at vengeance.

Another hour passed. Everyone was hungry. Tito Chu and Tito Cito were on their way back. Tita Mell called them via mobile phone, half-agitated because of the amount of time these guys took for them to buy food. I can't really blame her though. We were all in a state of starving desperation.

They finally came back! Tito Cito was carrying a lot of takeout bags containing more than enough the food we could ever stuff our bellies with. " Sige kamo na lang ni butang sa lamesa ha kag kaon na lang kamo una, mahampang kami anay one game antes a." Tito Cito then headed to the sofa table and sat on the floor so that the knee high table now rests on the level of his chest. Tito Chu followed without so much as a deep breath before placing himself on the floor himself opposite his gaming rival. And so it began. Tito Chu was holding in his hand this relatively small boxlike package that he immediately began to open. This was the first time I was able to see this game being played. I didn't even know how the gameboard looked like. This was my chance to be fascinated; and I was. Though not in the way I would have expected it.

Out of the box, Tito Chu pulled out what seemed to be a wide square film of transparent plastic. Tito Cito then placed a clear white piece of cardboard atop the table and almost wit practiced synchronization, Tito Chu placed the film on top of the board. Oh there are markings on the plastic!, I thought to myself, totally ignorant about anything. And so the gameboard has been set. Now came the game pieces. Translucent circular disks. These are the pieces of the game, with Chinese markings painted on them to distinguish what they are. Whoah! I was enthralled in confusion. Which was which? I observed them as they began to play.

The others were now starting to fill their plates.

to be continued still.

POEM: Sweat, Dogs and Dust

2008-01-31T02:16:00.001-06:00

Early last year I wrote a poem about something I did that I'll never forget. Here it is:

SWEAT, DOGS, and DUST

Dusk has elapsed,
As the flickering ray of sunset
strains itself to shine,
I thought inward.
My heart is restless.
Panic.

I moved.
Toward the source
of my anxiety I went.
Counting by the second,
I yearned for contact.
Silence. Damn the Silence.

I waited.
Sitting, Pacing, Standing.
I waited.
Stillness. Midnight.
I gave up my fight for that night.
I walked back
to where I started.

Dogs! Each corner Dogs!
I ran. I'm safe.
Sweat! Each drop of sweat
dripping from me
were like reminders
of canine terror.
Dust! Along with the breeze
came the dust.

Great discomfort
was what I felt. But,
I will endure.
Home!
I reached my sanctuary
unscathed.
Thanks to God.
All for love.

Yup! Iron Sharpens Iron

2008-01-30T14:27:00.002-06:00

About half a year ago I remember being asked in a job interview to explain this saying: Iron sharpens iron. Back then, i thought about a lot of things before I could deliver my response. Hey I was pressured to give the right answer, after all this was my first job interview, and I didn't want to mess it up. I think I answered satisfactorily though. I said, "We hone each other. People need people to be able to keep on improving themselves." Good enough right? Yeah I thought so too.

Later that day I researched that statement and I found out that it was taken from the Bible,Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another". Yup! I answered correctly I thought, and maybe my answer was and still is correct.

Now however, I think this explanation is not enough. I have come to a realization that this Proverb, along with other sayings in the Bible, has a deeper, more specific, and personal meaning. For my part, I'll tell you what I've discovered.

This statement is a tip in making decisions on human relations. Be it with friends, lovers, even enemies, this passage holds a universal clue as to how we should make our choices. Simply put, we should choose the people we surround ourselves with using this as one criterion:

"Who can sharpen me?"

We need people like ourselves or better than ourselves around us so that we can continue to grow. In our life wherein stagnation and routine seems to be so inevitable, people whom we can continuously grow with together is indeed a must. This would break the cyclical patterns that are expected to happen in our lives and instead facilitate personal growth and eventually a sense of contentment.

In here, we then have to consider the longevity of the relationship, and the personal benefit we are guaranteed to possess when we make the right choice. Now, this is no easy task. I envy the fool as he can choose anyone. For me however, I need someone with substance. Don't you??

Remembering Confucius

2008-01-30T10:36:00.001-06:00

I stumbled upon two sets of Confucian Philosophy June of last year. Confucius, being the popular Chinese philosopher that he is, wrote a list of maxims that I now find to be very true and which I now seek to integrate in the way I choose to live. They are as follows:

1.The Superior and Inferior Man

The inferior man understands what will sell, the superior man understands what is right.
The superior man loves his soul and; the inferior man loves his property.The superior man always remembers how he was punished for his mistakes, the inferior man always remembers what presents he got.
A superior man doesn't insist on good food and lodging. He is attentive to his dukes and careful in his speech and he finds a great man and follows him as his guide. Such a person may be called a lover of learning.
There are things a superior man hates. He hates those who likes to criticize people or reveal their weakness. He hates those who, in the position of inferiors, like to malign or spread rumors about those in authority. He hates those who are chivalrous and headstrong but are not restrained by propriety. He hates those who are sure of themselves and narrow-minded.
You can put a superior man in an important position with large discretionary powers, but you cannot give him a nice little job. You can give an inferior man a nice little job, but you cannot put him in an important position with large discretionary powers.
The superior man is always candid and at ease (with himself or others), the inferior man is always worried about something.

2.Love and Wisdom

A man with a beautiful soul always have something good to say, but a man who says beautiful things does not necessarily have a beautiful soul. A true man (or a truly great man) will always be found to have courage, but a courageous man will not always be found to have true manhood.
If a superior man is not deliberate in his appearance (or conduct), then he is not dignified. Learning prevents one from being narrow-minded. Try being loyal and faithful as your main principle. Have no friends who are not as good as yourself. When you have mistakes, don't be afraid to correct them.
Polished speech often confuses our notion of who is good and who is bad. A man who cannot put up with small losses or disadvantages will often spoil a big plan.
When you find a person worthy to talk to and fail to talk to him, you have missed your man. When you find a man unworthy to talk to and you talked to him, you missed your words. A wise man neither misses his man, nor misses his word.
You can kill the general of an army, but you cannot kill the ambition of a common man.

I hope I'm living up to what these words say. Well, at least I try to. After all, you'll never understand how to apply what you have learned until you give it a shot.

Lightbulb Moment

2008-01-30T10:33:00.001-06:00

I had an epiphany this morning. I'm so excited that I discovered something that always seemed to elude me. While in deep thought, as I usually find myself doing more and more nowadays, I stumbled upon a simple fact in my life. It came to me like a flash of wellbeing, much like when you've discovered the solution to a difficult puzzle. This is one hell of a light bulb moment.

But it's my secret. Hint: Be your complete self as much as possible in all encounters. The lack in excitement and the creeping boredom sets in when your spirit is drained and low in ambition.

The key is surrender and regression. Note: Regression. Because sometimes we are caught in a race to grow up when in fact, we are still faced with choices that we can't handle if we limit ourselves to one set of ideals and disregard the rest. haha doesn't make sense? Connect the dots.

Routine Bullshit

2008-01-30T00:35:00.001-06:00

Routine really sucks. It is when spontaneity is diminished and a creeping and unrelenting boredom sinks in. Cycles. I hate it. I am undoubtedly caught in one.

I have been bum for 3 whole months doing nothing but sleeping, eating, going to different places, partying, etc. It seemed okay at first but now, somehow this carefree life lost it's lure and I am beginning to loathe it. Morning, afternoon, nighttime- everyday it's the same, no expectations, no resolutions; only the deafening hum of the predictable events that has happened, is happening and is going to happen. I'm not in a spiral, I'm neither going upward nor downward, but instead, I am a horizontal line with no definite endpoint. I am a drifter.

When will the twist of this little adventure of mine take place? I really expect the twist and the feeling of immense anticipation is mounting so much so that it's release would be an orgasmic explosion of emotion long withheld and kept at bay. This moment seems to be like the silence of dawn before a war begins, like the deep gasp of air before the plunge. I long for the plunge. I long for the break of routine. I think it's just a matter of time now. I pray that it is.

Life is Farce

2008-01-30T00:27:00.001-06:00

Why is it that things don't always work out the way you'd want them to? Is there some conspiracy within each of our fates that things we plan for ourselves sometimes don't work out?

These thoughts just came to me at random in mi' reverie: How can we make things work for us the way we'd want them to? What are the things one must accomplish to ensure perfect results? Is there such a thing as a perfect plan?

Idiocy is when you do before you think and fail. But what of things you've thought through over and over again and still you find yourself in a standstill wherein no time chart or schedule plans ever seem to be fulfilled on time? Is this failure or a notice to wait? When would you know when to let go of something you've worked so hard on in terms of its planning and the execution of this plan? When do you stop?

I honestly don't know. A good friend told me once that life is a series of decisions. To know what decision to make, you should limit the options, weigh things for a while, pray, decide, plan, follow through, and hope. Yes, very good advice, but this still isn't the answer to my questions: What if after you've done all that, you still end up in an impasse? What then?

The only logical thing to do is to evaluate and reassess the pros n' cons again, and go through the steps and make another decision: to continue or to stop.

But in the world of the 'stupid' (the place I'm currently at), logic has little bearing. Everything is done in faith. And the question asked for evaluating is:

Are you happy?

Anyway, if it is a standstill, it's not over yet right? Maybe. But if your happy, why stop? So what is the use of my brain? Why am I still looking for a foolproof formula for success? I don't freakin' know. However, I believe that it is never over until it is over. All you can really do is wait, be patient, be strong, keep faith, hang on tight and enjoy the ride. Whatever makes you happy isn't so wrong now is it?

Haha I'm sorry to have wasted your time reading this and getting nuthin' out of it.